Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Sir Massive Pecs of Sheenville

            It was a regular day in Sheenville.  Not a political figure was campaigning, not a gang fighting, and not a homeless person asking for money.  It was a perfect opportunity for the Man Power Puff Girl, Sir Massive Pecs of Sheenville, to relax.  He had a giant mansion, with an Olympic size swimming pool and a basketball court. Sir Massive Pecs of Sheenville, with a six foot seven inch height, was a giant among the people of his town.  He had huge pecs, ripped abs, and biceps that could crush a human head if he flexed.  Sir Pecs also had a decent mane coming from his chin, as well as perfect looks.  He was like Aston Kutcher times one-thousand.  His side-kick, Mini Pecs, was his best friend.  Mini Pecs had a beautiful sister, she was a supermodel named Victoria. 

            On this day, at about 2:30 a.m., Victoria was taken from her room in Pecs’s mansion.  When the heroes awoke at precisely 6:30, Victoria was nowhere to be found.  When they realized there was a note on the golden fridge, they decided to read it.  The note said:

            “By the time you read this, Victoria and I will be making our way across the border.  I am taking her to an undisclosed location, definitely not my mother’s house. I demand the shaggy mane of Sir Pecs.  If I do not receive this by 3 tomorrow, I will make her say something morally degrading to you.  You had best meet my demands, because right now, I am thinking of what I will make her say!!! Teehee”

            “Holy flex Pecs!! Did you read that?! What are we going to do? We need to find her.  Who do you think took her,” Mini Pecs exclaimed.

            “Why, I bet it was none other than my arch nemesis, Mojo Minaj!! Filthy coward.  I bet he is at his mother’s house.  I remember where it is, we always used to play Call of Duty together.”  Sir Pecs replied angrily.

            So the duo set off, headed to Mojo’s location.  The easiest way to get there was flying, but since Mini Pecs had not fully unlocked his flight perk, he rode on Sir Pecs’s yellow light stream.  About a quarter of the way there, Sir Pecs was beginning to feel exhausted.  They stopped at the gym to refuel.  Sir Pecs used the bench press.  He did three sets of fifteen at 575 pounds.  Mini Pecs did pull-ups.  They each grabbed a 5 Hour Energy shot on the way out the door.  Midway though the flight, Sir Pecs’s light started to fade.  They had barely made it to the half-way point before Sir Pecs needed a break.  His food tank was running on empty, so they stopped at a nearby taco stand, Pedro’s Nonstereotypical Tacos.  Rumor had it that place had the best tacos in all of the land.  The rumor was right.  Ironically, there was a unicorn shop across the street, so they bought Mini Pecs a brand new unicorn.  So the heroes set off again.  This time they made it further without taking a break because Sir Pecs did not have the stress of Mini Pecs on his rainbow. 

            On this leg of the trip, Sir Pecs and Mini Pecs landed about five miles from their approximate destination.  Once they got very close, Sir Pecs whipped out his scent analyzer to lead them to the exact whereabouts of Victoria and Mojo Minaj.  Sure enough, Mojo’s mother had not moved in the twenty years since Mojo and Sir Pecs played together.  Sir Pecs drew the lay-out of the house and the team created a plan of action.  The house was two stories.  There was not a basement.  That brought the optimal hiding places to two spots, the bathroom or his bedroom. 

            Sir Pecs broke the door down by flexing his chest and they were in the house.  The duo split up, Sir Pecs took the right and Mini Pecs took the left.  Once they discovered that the first floor was clear, they teamed up for the top floor.  They broke down the bathroom door, but there was nobody in there.  That left one possible place: Mojo’s bedroom.  Sir Pecs found the door unlocked, so there was no need to break it in.  They found Mojo and Victoria in the back corner, nut with a surprise.  There was an entire hoard of bad rappers!!

            “The only way to get to me is by facing every one of my minions,” Mojo declared cynically. 

            “Than that I shall,” Sir Pecs said with authority.

            So the rap battles began, Sir Pecs and Mini Pecs taking on two rappers at a time.  At one point they heard a female voice.  It was Buttercup, assisting the Pecs.  Once they had beaten seventeen rappers, Sir Pecs threw the marker for juggernaut gear to be airdropped in.  Now he did not have to fight the rest, Sir Pecs just pushed his way through to Mojo.  That was his final test.

            “So you have defeated my posse, but can you defeat me?  I am the best of the best, and my rhymes are second to none.” Mojo stated.

            Then it began, the most epic of rap battles in history.  It was too swag for anyone other than the chosen ones to hear.  It took place over three hours.  Lines were getting ugly, and Mojo was losing the battle.  Finally it happened, the one hit KO of rap:

And my swagga level so high

I am just too fly.

Y’all must be hatin,

Bucuz you just fakin!

            Mojo’s body exploded out of pure awe.  And so, the day was saved, thanks to: Sir Pecs, and his side-kick, Mini Pecs!!

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